Recently by Aaron Boland

So you wait all summer for Everton to sign someone, anyone, becoming increasingly frustrated at being linked with every player you could possibly think of, then the club go and sign some players you've never heard of and Louis Saha.

The soon to be ex-Manchester United striker has signed for an undisclosed fee and will be an Everton player should he pass a medical today.

Transfer rumours are elusive things. Just where do they come from? We're all familiar with 'paper talk', which is a nice way of saying 'this story is entirely made up', but where do journalists get the inspiration to conjure up the players which football clubs are 'tracking', 'looking closely at', 'monitoring', 'watching through the bushes' or engaging in any such behaviour which would get regular Joes like me and you put on the sex offenders register?

Apart from the usual suspects like the tea lady's cousin's brother's hairdresser's best mate's bank manager's cleaner's son's bus driver assuring us that Ronaldinho IS DEFINITELY ON HIS WAY TO GOODISON, we would like to believe that transfer rumours are the result of consulting with a South American shaman or mischievous football fairies whispering into the ears of sleeping writers.

The devil makes work for idle hands and Everton's transfer light pre-season has allowed hacks and naysayers up and down the country to project their doom and gloom upon Everton, trotting out the tiresome predictions regurgitated at the start of the past few campaigns.

Everton won't be able to keep up this season, Tottenham will challenge the top four and Liverpool will be lifting their first Premiership trophy.

Anyone who has seriously monitored the Everton of late will be laughing into their Christmas presents as frustrated pundits try to work out why, come Boxing Day, the Blues are fighting fit at the top of the table instead of scratching around the relegation zone with Hull and friends.

Journalists have lamented the fact that Everton have only released players without buying any replacements, but let's look at the situation without the melodrama.

Ambitious, grand old lady seeks partner to help rekindle glory days. WLTM fun-loving billionaire able to provide frequent European trips and jewellery to make the neighbours jealous. GSOH, non smoker a must.

Evertonians always knew that in a world where football is controlled by super-rich international organisations, a local boy made good through theatre would only allow the club to compete so far.

The obvious lack of funds at David Moyes' disposal this summer has showed Everton at their most cash-strapped in recent memory, struggling and sluggish in friendlies and leaving fans wondering whether the Blues will even be able to field a full compliment of players once the Premier League begins.

... and there I was, casually looking around eBay in vain for a lock of Mikel Arteta's beautiful hair, when I came across our most desperate bid for transfer funds yet.

* TAKE part in our survey on the departure of Keith Wyness here

SO Mr Wyness has left the Blues to don Speedos and suntan lotion, seemingly Majorca bound for football in the sun.

Paul Davidson, the new English owner of La Liga side Real Mallorca, is believed to be offering Wyness a position at the club.

The temptation of free-flowing sangria and senoritas at the height of the holiday season is enough to prise any man away from a Liverpool which is doing its best depress everyone by veering wildly from baking desert to stormy tropic.