New conduct code for Goodison
New Conduct Rules for fans at Everton FC
In light of the banning from the ground and prosecution of an Everton fan who called an Everton player 'a lazy French bXsT:<>d, new conduct rules have been suggested. They follow:
Fans are to be presented with either straw boaters (for those in the upper stands) or flat caps (for those in the lower stands) which can be tossed in the air in jubilation whenever the team scores a goal.
Royal blue handkerchiefs will also be issued for supporters to wave in eager anticipation of the forthcoming football contest.
The tune of 'Z Cars' will no longer be played upon the team's entrance onto the playing surface, as this is prejudicial to the rest of the alphabet. The compromise of 'Alphabet cars' is unacceptable due to copyright issues with Alphabet Soup.
There will be no more offensive chants regarding match officials. In the event of a perceived error of judgment by the officials, the Street End are to sing instead:
'Oh I say, referee
We strongly disagree.'
It scans, so there should be no problem there.
The match officials should on no account be told they are wrong. The acceptable form of address is:
'Please reconsider you decision. It may be fallacious.'
In the event of fans' dissatisfaction at a player's performance, the acceptable chant is:
'Whilst we know you are doing your best we wish for a more fruitful outcome to your efforts.'
Could be sung to the tune of the 'March from Carmen', by Bizet.
These standards of behaviour are not to be extended to players on the pitch, who may swear, poke, elbow, and expectorate as they see fit.
Everton have also extended their programme of texting in offensive remarks to texting information if someone looks dodgy, might flatulate, or is wearing crimplene.
Everton fans are encouraged to voice their views to the Board, except they are not allowed into meetings.
Everton - the People's Club. (And by people's club we mean no disrespect to animals, minerals or vegetables.)
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