Concerns regarding budget forced into open during break
With the international break forcing inactivity in some quarters, there has been time for certain issues that have been simmering to bubble over.
A recent contretemps between two senior Everton staff has recently been brought to our notice. An account follows.
The scene is in David Moyes' office. Bill Kenwright is also present.
DM: Bill, Mavis the tealady says we are out of hobnobs. Could you sub her a tenner to get in some biscuits? I can't drink tea on its own. It's like lager without a chaser.
BK: Well, just hold on there, Dave. We're pretty stretched, you know. (I've been a blue all my life.)
DM: You give Mavis a tenner now. We need hobnobs. Buy some.
BK: Well how about if we sell some chocolate fingers then we can buy some hobnobs? This club's in me blood.
DM: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR WEST-END LUVVY MIND? I'm not getting rid of the chocolate fingers. That's why anyone drinks tea - so they can dunk in the fingers.
DM: Don't call me Dave.
BK: Look.....er.... gaffer, there's no need to get all upset. Everyone loves chocolate fingers. You could get loads of hobnobs for just a couple of fingers. (Blue man and boy).
DM: That completely misses the point. I want chocolate fingers AND hobnobs. I want variety. You can't have just one biscuit with your tea. Who are we, Blackburn?
(Enter Robert Elstone).
RE: How about a latte and biscotti?
DM: Are you out of your skull? Go and have a prawn sandwich you bean-counting suit.
BK: I could get you some Rich Tea, no sweat.
DM: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. Have you tried dunking Rich Tea? Have you? It just dissolves into the cup. IT'S LIKE DRINKING SICK!! Is that how you treat your 3-times manager if the season? Is it?
BK: No David.
DM: Then don't talk to me about rich tea biscuits.
RE: I suppose that rules out custard creams.
DM: They might go down in your boardroom, Bobby. But my lads don't touch custard.
BK: Look we're getting nowhere here. I understand you want- er we need some hobnobs. But the fact is that petty cash hasn't got it. So we have to offload some other biscuits.
RE: How about dumping a penguin?
BK: Yeah, we've got plenty.
DM: Just the one?
BK: Yeah, we'll get at least two or three hobnobs for a penguin.
DM: Okay then. But just one penguin.
BK: Okay David. Just one. I love this club.
DM: Penguin, not Clubs.
DM: And I get to choose which colour wrapper goes.
RE: Okay, then, there it is. One penguin - boss chooses which wrapper to dump- and we get in at least three hobnobs.
DM: And the next time I need a couple of biscuits I don't want to get into a big palaver again. Is that clear?
BK: Oh yes, my old mate.
DM: Right. Well next week I'm planning quite a tea. I was thinking about getting in some fancy fondants.....