Howlers to rival John Arne Riise's Champions League own goal
THE jokes started within minutes. A caller to Radio 5 Live put on his best 'listen to me I'm being serious' voice and said: "John Arne Riise's just been pulled over by the police on the M62."
"Really?" said the appropriately named Alan 'Green'. "Yeah. He was heading in the wrong direction."
But cheer up John, you're not alone . . . as this week's top ten highlights.
1 HE'LL always be the number one. Artistic merit, hangdog expression after scoring, the delighted bobby clapping his hands behind the goal . . . Sandy's diving header had it all.
2 ALTOGETHER now (to the tune of the Jacksons' Blame It On The Boogie). "Don't blame it on Biscan, don't blame it on Finnan, don't blame it on Hamann . . . blame it on Traore. He just can't, he just can't, he just can't control his feet!" Burnley were the unwitting beneficiaries from Traore's frantic footwork.
3 DERBY day, the bluest of Blues, the Kop end . . . and a 20-yard lob past the helpless George Wood. Lyons' mood was only lifted slightly when Everton came back to snatch a 2-2 draw.
4 STILL renowned, even though the majority of fans who talk about it now weren't old enough to have witnessed it. They have heard all about it though, as the Leeds keeper bowled a ball into his own net and prompted the half-time playing of Careless Hands over the tannoy.
5 A DELICIOUS lob from the edge of his own penalty area against arch rivals Manchester United - and at Old Trafford to boot. The problem was that it was into his own net. Happily Liverpool still won the match 2-1.
6 IN the Anfield derby of 1972 Tommy Wright put through his own goal after 35 seconds. John McLaughlan followed him in the 76th minute as Everton collapsed 4-0. Wright did exactly the same thing the following weekend against Manchester City - this time after 32 seconds!
7 STILL the funniest on our list. Stapleton had performed admirably as an emergency centre-half for Manchester United, snuffing out the threat of Gary Lineker in the Screen Sport Super Cup. So accomplished had his performance been he even felt confident enough to try and trap a goalbound lob on his instep just six yards from the line. The ball bounced off his shin for the only goal of the game.
8 CUP final own goals aren't that uncommon . . . but this was against a team which had openly courted that player's services. Gerrard's moment of ignominy came against Chelsea in 2005 . . . but he got ample revenge a couple of months later.
9 TWO to choose from - but while the slice against Manchester United was significant, the flying Anfield Road end header against ten-man Liverpool was comfortably his most spectacular.
10 YOU could fill a top ten list with derby day own goals alone . . . Claus Thomsen, Glenn Hysen, Sami Hyypia, John Bailey, Neil Ruddock . . . but Brucie's was at Wembley Stadium no less, in the showpiece Charity Shield.